Fortitude in Snow

"Ah, but what if it does?" *big-deep-smile*

Hello all,

There's so much I want to write about, and I have to go get ready to teach.  So I will do my best, and then scamper. :-)

Today I want to write about joy and growth, and happiness, and LOVE.  I've been reading Hafiz (and re-reading Rumi) today, and have remembered some other old 'friends'... Peter McWilliams (poems) and Hugh Prather (prose).

See, when I was in late high school, I was over-the-moon in love with someone, (as many 17-year-olds often are).  My parents were separating (after constantly fighting), and was a time of turmoil in the house of my blood-family.  But when I was with him I was no longer trapped in that -- I could separate myself from all that pain, and see a way out, a future.  In this new relationship, we shared a lot of love and joy.  I grew, and I learned, I lived and I loved.  And, as way to get to know each other better, he and I traded music, books, and authors. He introduced me to Led Zepplin, Credence Clearwater Revival, Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn (thank you, Russ!), as well as giving me a reintroduction to Robert Heinlein and Richard Bach. *insert-big-grin-here*  I'd remembered Jonathan Livingston Seagull from having seen it on my parents' bookshelves as a kid.... but I re-read it, and loved it all over again.

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Strength of Heart

So many early-morning thinky-thoughts.... (or: what am I doing up before the light?)

Let's face it,when my brain is full of words (even when those words are feeble in saying exactly what I want to say), I have to core dump sometimes.  I will say things wrong, or inadequately, but sooner or later, I do have to express myself.  And more often than not, that has been here.  I'm working hard lately, to express myself verbally — to talk with people and to say just what I want to say.  But, for so many years, I've not been able to make my voice express what I really want to say, so here I am again, taking pen in hand (or rather, fingers to electrons and keyboard), because it's in the written word that I best find my 'voice.'  (I also find it, too, when I sing, but that's me expressing things with others' words.)

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Fortitude in Snow

Friday, almost 5pm

Hello all,

It's been a full week: full of goings-on, and and growth (as well as a few tears), but mostly full of joy.  I am profoundly grateful for all of it.  Am heading home soon, to make potato salad (from my Gram's recipe), and to relax and have a Weekend.

More later. For now, a big hug, and "Bardzo dobro wekeendu" to each of you!

Futility, bang-head

Hello pain, my old friend....

So, I hurt my back this weekend....

Yes, it was a bonehead move (leaving my cane at home, and then trying to run for a bus), and yes, I'm paying for it. That said, I really enjoyed the movie (Ant Man and The Wasp), and am glad I went, even though I missed meeting up with some people I'd planned to see, if they were there. It all worked out in the end, though, and I also found out that the 512 bus makes very good time back from Seattle on the weekends.  Good knowledge to have. :-)

A rather pleasing weekend overall, even if I'm ouching about it now.  Good company, filled with joy and laughter and smiles... good (groaning) puns, fun games, and fresh raspberries. Oh, and fresh croissants, and burnt-sugar flan, and a visit with friends that included hanging out and take-out Dim Sum.  All: shared. *insert grin here*  Good things are so much better when I share them with others, especially friends and loved ones.  Being alone is important, as I treasure my solitude and contemplation time.  But there's just something about sharing good things, with people I care for.... :-)

Now? I'm at my desk at work, in my still-too-cold classroom, wondering if I should go make myself another cuppa, just so my fingers won't stay cold. (Will someone please explain *why*the air-conditioning is on today, when the summer is *gone*...?? The strangeness of a corporate office building, I think. )  

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What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been....

*waves*  Yes, it's really me.  I am back, at least for a while.  :-)

So, I've been writing a bit over at Four Dot Ellipsis (if you want the url, let me know), but other than that, not much.  When I started this journal, just over 18 years ago, I never thought I would be where I am now, doing what I am doing now, and living the life I am living now.  I do know my self a bit better, and the grey in my hair has gotten more dense (and the color a bit more sparse), but I am still me.

What am I doing now?  Well, I teach at 'Better Living Through" — so to speak.  And I really, REALLY LOVE what I do.  It's hard some days, and I definitely bit off more than I could chew at the very beginning, but I think things are going pretty well, and I like where my life is going. Not sure who I'm quoting in saying this, but I have the high privilege and honor of working long, hard hours at something I truly love. :-) I am proud of the work I do, and of how well my students are doing (regulars as well as those I tutor).  I take pride in the fact that, of the students that have completed the program, including internship and national test, each one has passed the national test, and each has also been offered a position during internship.  As my Dad would say, "Not too shabby."  :-)

I do miss my Dad a lot lately.... especially when I want to compare notes on how to teach adults (as, just after his Masters degree, Dad taught classes at a local community college).  Sometimes I so want to call him and speak Polish, and hear him respond back — only to remember that he's gone.  That's when the ache is deep, and I find myself hashing over regrets of not going and taking care of him sooner.  But he hid the worst parts of his illness well, and even my sister (who spent a good deal of time helping him out) did not foresee the ending until just before I arrived (and he died 2 days later).  It's been just over 3 years, and I still cry. 

We grieve, and we live (as best we can).  And life moves on.

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Fortitude in Snow

Once more, with feeling....

Okay, so 2 years and a bit more have gone by, and I am posting here once again. I have been wanting to start writing again, but it may not be regular here. I also have a blog over at , so you may want to check over there.

Let's see.... not long after I posted the previous post ( in early June 2015), I flew back home to be with my Dad for one day, before he died (16 June 2015). It's been over 2 years, and I'm still not sure I'm ready to go back into it, and talk about it. Suffice it to say that I miss him, and I miss speaking Polish with him. And since I lost my old smartphone in the Pacific, I no longer have the voicemail recordings of him speaking Polish to me. I regret that more than words can say.

More later. For now, I am teaching, and although I only have a few students, and it is much harder than I thought it would be, I really do love it.

Until then, be strong, be safe, and pax/love and **hugs** to all.
  • Current Music
    the tap of keys on my keyboard
Fortitude in Snow

Back again, to make a new start?

Hello LiveJournal, it's been quite a long time.

I'm dictating this from my smartphone, but will also be writing again sometime soon.

I've had a lot going on in the past year and a half to two years, and I find that I really need to be writing again. I say 'need,' because I need to write, I'm finding, like I need to breathe. Or like I need to see stars, and trees, and living, blooming things.

I need to write, in the same way that I need to pet my cat and feel his soft fur, hear his purrs, and feel the love that emanates from me to him, and from him to me.

A quick update on me: I lost my job in November 2013, and decided not long after to go back to school. I did very well in the pharmacy technician program, and graduated this past December. But due to a very low level of finances, losing my car, and some battles with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, I've been having a really hard time. I feel like a hermit who hardly leaves her house, and who misses her friends and loved ones dearly, but most days lacks the courage to venture much further than the front door.

My counselor agreed with me, that I need to be writing again, so I'm going to put some things here, & I will probably reopen VeritasFeminae, for things I don't feel entirely safe putting here. If anyone wants access to that journal, please message me here, or send an email to loba at livejournal dot com. And, depending on who you are, and if I know you, I may grant access.

A short blurb about today: I observed some behaviors in myself that I want to change, & I think I really saw them clearly for the first time. I watched how interactions with my blood family cause my emotions to bounce around like a rabid ping pong ball. I watch how hard I tried to avoid the emotional pain, and I felt how much there was of it, like a broad, deep pool.

It reminded me so much of when I was younger, as a child, when I had no outlet for it, and had no idea what to do with it. Overcome in a tidal wave of negative emotion, I simply thought it was all me, and that I was bad. I also observed, from a distance, how my parents still interact with each other much the same way they did when I was a child.

Today, I felt myself sliding back into that old role of being an emotional sponge, absorbing of all the negative emotions they threw and spat at each other. I didn't know where I stopped and where they began, so I felt all the negative emotions as though they were being done to me. As a child, that's incorrect, but understandable. Even so, as an adult, I can see clearly now that I am NOT them, and no matter how hardwired my lizard brain is in the emotional sponge role, it is not me. they are not me. And their pain is not who I am.

I have more writing that I've done on this issue, but that's for another place, and another time. Now is the time for sleep, and whatever dreams may come. As for writing, I will be out and about tomorrow, and will try to do more then.

I hope all of you are doing well, & I send hugs out to you. Ian says hello, and meow and purr to all of you. :-)

Good night, all.
Brown-eyed Stare

Dearest Ian kitty,

It is 3:18 a.m.. I am trying to go to sleep. And while I understand that you are nocturnal, your current meowing -- no matter how pathetic -- is doing little to endear you to me. Please understand that when the sun comes up, & I wake up, I will be happy to use my opposeable thumbs and let you out.
But NOT at 3:18 a.m.
For now, PLEASE go to sleep.
Love, Mama

Channelling my Inner Introvert lately....

Hello all,

It's been a long while, I know.  And I am still working (albeit still temp, but it's work, and hope hops eternal), so things are OK for now.  I am really, REALLY missing my car of late, as I want to go see people (and be there for them), but it is a little harder on the bus.  I know I should stop whining; I still have my functional feet and legs, and I have a lovely little transit pass that works well all over.  And my cane does make it easier for me to move around (a little slower, but I still go).  Even so, I want to go and do things for others, especially since I've had people being so good and helpful to me (I *like* to give back... the Deb lives on Warm Fuzzies, really!). I want to be more useful to others, and less of a schlump to myself.

So, I shall chop my wood, and carry my water, and continue to work in that direction -- and to do what I can, when I can.

Meanwhile, one of my honeys came to see me yesterday, and he helped me run errands.  Before that, though, he helped me w/computer stuff:  we got the larger laptop working (finally!! from a perpetually-blinking boot screen to an actual working machine -- huzzah!!), as well as my everyday netbook (hooray for troubleshooting, to find out it's not the powercord, nor the connector, but the fact that I was using the *wrong* powercord. Time to colorcode the cords, methinks).  The first I had been working on for at least 2 months, and the second had only recently been discovered, as the netbook battery had gone down to 1% and was not charging. :-P  Now, all is well!! *sigh of relief*

And with the roasted chicken I got yesterday, did something I haven't done for a while -- I cooked something (nearly) homemade!  I quickly deboned that little birdie, cubed up the meat, boiled the carcass, and chopped some veggies to go with it. And not long after, I had tasty Garlic Chicken & Rice Soup to take w/me to work today.  Nom!!  (Especially w/Garlic Club Crackers!).

Yesterday's shopping trips showed me that I really do need to be listening to my body, and replacing the bread carbs w/green veggies and good animal proteins; the side salad w/a burger that I'd had for lunch, was EXACTLY what my body was craving (had not had beef in over 2 weeks). So, that helped.  But upon reflection, I can see that I've been using my lack of mobility as an excuse for not taking better care of myself -- especially of what I eat, and then whining when I feel physically yukky, and don't want to do stuff.  OF COURSE I won't want to do stuff if I feel icky.  Poor nutrition makes me feel icky, even if I supplement the junk w/vitamins. I know this.  But somehow I think I can try it a different way.  [Silly Deb; do what works.]

I need a Farmer's Market, either near where I live (within 2 blocks) or I need to get another bike.  Or I need to try and find one on the Train route; one that's open after 6pm.  Slim chance, I know, but I gotta put it out there if I want it (or want to know about it, eh?)  And I'm not financially stable enough yet (not until I have a permanent job), or I'dd break down and get Amazon Fresh every week (spendy but GOOD produce) or get a market basket.  And if I had the ability, I'd grow my own... but I am soooo not good with plants -- they don't meow when the water bowl is almost empty. :-(

More later; I have a few things left to do, and then am heading home from work (late shift today, early shifty tomorrow).  And when the alarm rings ar 5:30, I want to have my lunch packed & things laid out.  Yes, I am learning to be prepared. Don't look at me like that.  Yes, it's really me.  Yes, REALLY. 

Ciao for now.  And **hugs** to all.

Brown-eyed Stare

State Of The Deb: Long time gone. (Depression & comeback)

Hello. *waves*  It's been quite a while since I was here, and to be honest, I gave up reading LJ when my life got crazy from work, (just after my last post, in October 2010).  This is my first time back in quite a while, so please forgive me while I catch up.  

New job soon lost, Mom getting cancer, and me having an ovarian cyst, coupled with 7 months of unemployment -- and I'v only just recently crawled out from under the large rock I call home. Yes, I ran and hid.

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  • Current Music
    Behzad's "Celestial Tribe", on Luis Villegas radio at Last.FM