July 27th, 2000

Brown-eyed Stare

The key to a room of your own and a mind without end.

Yes, I haven't posted in quite a while. Um... cope. :-)

I'm feeling agitated and a little anxious today… like I'm supposed to be doing something else, to be somewhere else. It's almost like I feel that I'm about to wake up and realize that I am living in the wrong place, and that I really live in another neighborhood, with two children, and a garden of vegetables to tend. Somewhere else, I have a husband that comes home from work at 5:30 to kiss me on the cheek, and take the kids and the dog out back to play while I finish supper. I can see the little blue 40's-urban house in my mind's eye. I can smell the sweet basil and tomato plants in the garden, and I can hear the giggling and barking coming from the back yard. It all seems more real to me than where I am now.

And I wonder if somehow that is programmed into me, and it's my fear of not being what I thought I'd be that's coming back to talk to me now, in anxious restlessness, and furtive glances around me.

I never thought I'd be where I am right now, at the turn of the century. I used to look at 31 and think, "Wow, that's old. I'll be grown up by then, and be settled in my life." Well, I'm here, and I can say with certainty that I'm not. I just keep getting older, and I hope I'm getting wiser. But I somehow keep expecting that lightning bolt to come crashing out of the sky, and suddenly, I'll "get it". It's the same lightning bolt that never showed up when I was 18. I wonder why I haven't gotten that it isn't coming. That this is all there is, and that if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Well, I *have* been changing things….I've been trying (more or less successfully) to make a few life changes. I am learning how attached I am to food, and what sorts of comfort I derive from certain aspects of it, and of eating. It's interesting to observe, and I am often surprised at how much emotional stuff is happening just below the surface that I've learned to ignore. But I still respond to it, by relating to food and drink somehow, the smells and tastes and the colors.

And I'm seeing how differently my body runs when I put different fuels in it. Radically different fuels produce some startling changes, most of which I really like. But my lack of patience doesn't help, and I want to see stark results…. Yesterday. Yes, I know, patience. It's hard when one of my major distractions is taken away, and I'm trying to restrict another, simply because it inclines me to be ruled by one end of inertia, and I need to move toward the other end (the "body in motion tends to stay in motion" end).

And it doesn't help that I have a sedentary job (and that I *like* being in my head a lot). The body's been there for a long time, and for the past 10 years or so, I've learned to ignore it unless it hurts a lot. And that's probably not a good attitude to have. So I am relearning.

That's about it for now. More later; gotta go soon and Piddle for Proof(tm) (mandatory drug test for a new part-time second job). Wheefun. I have nothing to hide, but I marvel at the requirement of bodily fluids as a prerequisite for employment. I think about the lab techs examining my urine, and wondering about the chemical makeup of the person behind it. ("Look here, Wanda, this one's on a Protein Diet! And she's taking paroxetene hydrochloride, too! Also had some acetomenophen and salycilic acid earlier, along with a good bit of cheddar cheese, and a whole LOT of water! Whoo-ee!")

It's fun to imagine people being amused by my urine's chemical profile. Especially when I'm *not* using recreational drugs. :-)

More later.
Brown-eyed Stare

This just sucks.... can I go home now??

I just got back from the pee examiner (specimen lab), and when I got in my car, I found that someone had stolen my radar detector. Yes, the one my Mom gave me for Christmas. This, AFTER having had to wait over an hour, becaue the office told me the lab was closed 12-1, and they are *actually* closed 1-2. Add to that the fact that my insurance won't cover the theft of a radar detector, and you get one rather bummed Loba.

On top of it, when I went to get a chair to sit down near the phone (because let's face it, these calls to the police and the insurance company *aren't* going to be short), I went to pull out the chair, and accidentally removed the whole desk drawer as well, spilling a huge amount of paper clips (and the drawer) onto the floor. What a lovely noisemaker *that* was. I said "This just sucks. Can I pleeeeeeeze go home NOW?"

A coworker took pity on me, and helped me pick everything up.

But now I feel like today is just NOT going right, and that I should go home and start over. And I also feel guilty, because I am not *entirely* sure that my doors were locked (despite the fact that I *always* lock my car doors when I leave the vehicle). Damn.

So, for the moment, I am trying to accept some consolation from Paul Oakenfold's Tranceport CD (thanks, Steve, for Music That Doesn't Suck). And James gave me Flood to listen to, also. I really can't be *too* mopey with TMBG on... who can grouse over "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)"? But somehow I can't listen to it right now.

Between the two, I hope one works. Becaue I want to yell and scream and bitch, and beat someone's headlights in with a baseball bat. And there's really no-one to blame, except the person who took the radar detector, and I don't know who that is. I don't want to internalize this stuff, because that's been my M.O. for far too long, and I have enough that contributes to the depression without adding extra fuel to the fire. So, I'm bitching about it here, instead.

I'm just feeling really bad, because a long time ago, my Mom used to say that I wasn't capable of having nice things, and I keep hearing her echo in the back of my mind. And tomorrow's her birthday, and I'd been planning on going to see her.

That's it for now; maybe diving into code will help. It couldn't hurt. I hope.