August 8th, 2000

Fortitude in Snow

I want my meds, damnit!

So, today, I took time to go and get enrolled in a "health plan" (it's not insurance, but will help with a lot of things).

And am told that because I can't be seen as a new patient until the 17th, they cannot renew (refill) my meds for me. And I'm on an antidepressant, so that means I have two tablets left, and then I get to be miserable again. Wheefun. Some help that is.

So, today's post is mostly rambling thoughts on my meds, and what happens mentally when I take them. Enjoy, or use your back button. :-)

Random Drug Musings:

When I am on them, I am able to relax (for the first time in my life, it felt). I get restful sleep, and don't have strange dreams and night terrors. Nor do I wake up crying about things I can't explain, missing people I don't recognize and mourning stuff I don't understand.

When I'm not on this medication, the shame (and the depression that comes from it) comes creeping back, and I can't get a handle on's as though I lose my mental footing, and go sliding down into this pit. And I HATE feeling like that... I spent most of my childhood feeling that way, and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy... feeling like I am worth nothing, and that everyone knows what a shit I am. I HATE feeling like that, and am grateful to know it's just a mental mis-wiring, that I am *not* really a bad person.

The feelings come in a deluge when I don't take my meds…I become overwhelmed easily. It's like everyone I meet is really my mother or my father…like the feeling you get when you've lied to your Mom or Dad, and they look you in the eyes, and you know that they know that you are lying. It's that instant feeling of guilt for whatever it was that you did… only I feel this way EVERY TIME I look someone in the eyes… especially if it's a boss. Even if I haven't done anything to be ashamed of. It must make me look pretty suspicious; it certainly feels uncomfortable from the inside. No matter what I do, I still feel… guilty….. ashamed. Like that person can see inside me and see what a bad person I am. And I feel guilty for even breathing.

That's how I feel when I stop taking my Paxil. I also get anxious and irritated over every little thing, and want to scream at everyone for everything, even when I know it's not their fault. I become petty and sniping, and I don't like that. Nor do I know how to control it, except when I'm taking the Paxil.

When I am taking the Paxil, it's as if the drug gives me a moment to pause and reflect before I open my mouth to speak, "Hmmmm… maybe I ought NOT to say that, it'd be inflammatory, and it's not really what I mean, anyway. Maybe it's better to think first." I also think about what I'm going to do instead of just doing it, and then having to suffer the unforeseen consequences afterward. It's as if I can now see the consequences of my actions, and am able to choose how to act and speak, instead of everything just being a knee-jerk reaction. It has given me my life back.

More later.