August 21st, 2000

Brown-eyed Stare

What I did this weekend....(Pour the cement for my feet)

Well, it wasn't that exciting, but I did learn some things....

I went out by myself Friday night... shopping and out to see Coyote Ugly.... a cute little flick of "girl goes to NY to make it big"....a sweet, sassy little movie with the perennial happy ending. What a great deal for a gal with PMS.

Saturday, I worked, and later went out dancing with an acquaintence from that job, Ronda. We went to Ramon's for meringue and salsa dancing. And.... wow. Ronda can dance; I ended up just shaking my hips, and having this strange propensity for wearing drinks (others' as well as my own).

Two margaritas, one beer and a cherry coke later (those pants are *not* going to forgive me), I'd danced twice. Amzing how being a fat chick makes you invisible in a macho-male environment. Apparently, we aren't that acceptable (that, or I was radiating "uncool" all night after wearing my first margarita), even though Cubans are supposed to have a thing for women with large butts. :-)

I still enjoyed the music immensely, and liked watching the (really, really GOOD) dancers. People tore up the floor. I sat there and watched them, feeling all the while like I was horribly underdressed. It probably didn't help that the women I went with was wearing a glittery necklace, large glitzy earrings, a gold armband, and a cropped leopard-print top. *And* this gal's got HIPS! She's a little bitty thing up top, but her figure hourglasses out from there, and ... wow, can she dance. The guys were falling all over themselves to ask her to dance. I think I was their charity case; at least that's the way it felt.

Then Jose came into the picture, and I wished I was invisible again. See, there was another woman who sat at our table (She knew Ronda, but I don't think she ever introduced herself, and the music was loud, so we'll call her Ms. X). Jose kept coming over and stroking Ms. X's face, and she'd laugh. He was pretty drunk, and after he'd dumped over her cherry coke and a beer, it was undeniably clear that he was under the influence of *something*. He danced in front of Ms. X, and at one point even undid his pants, and started to plop something on the table.... but this was seen out of the corner of my eye... I was trying desperately to ignore it.

Well, *then* Jose came over and sat down next to me. Oh dear. I continued watching the dancing, and he just sat there and stared.... at my chest. I tried to ignore it, and watch the dancing. But he did all sorts of things to get my attention. Then, either he fell or lunged, and the next thing I knew, he was face down in my chest. I think he bit my left tit, but it could have been his nose.

And wow... did this ever bring up stuff for me. I now know why I don't *like* being in bars: they are often filled with rude, pushy, forward guys who think "No" is a challenge. I came very close to dumping my drink down this asshole's pants (and I *knew* from his earlier exhibition dance that he wasn't wearing any underwear, so it'd be a cold one).

I got up to dance when he finally left (after several rounds of a firm "No" followed by my taking his hand off my face, or from my back, etc.). I told the guy I danced with that I'd needed his help with that other male (Jose) and he manuvered himself between me and Jose. That helped with relief for a while, but Ronda and I left early, around 1:15 before, as she put it, things got *really* crazy.

This episode brought up tons of stuff for me. First, I felt scuzzy that I *let* myself be a victim. Maybe not in the past, (like when I was drugged and raped - altough the same icky feelings came back in droves), but this past Saturday night, yes. I have come to the place that I was not responsible for the rape; but I *am* responsible for saying "No" when I can (and I could then, or I should have been able to but didn't... somehow the words got stuck in my mouth). I don't know; I just know that it will be a LONG time before I go out again.

Also, it became very clear to me *why* I like being fat.... I get a lot less of that kind of attention from males (larger, stronger males who can easily overpower me... this Jose was strong!) *I* get to choose when to attract someone, otherwise I am invisible. And I *like* that. But I still feel frustrated about what happened Saturday night, like I should have *done something*, and did not, and let myself down, somehow.

And I *HATE* that. I hated that whole situation, and how I felt pressured to not make a scene, and to just go along with it all. When it happens, I clam up, and try to be "nice" hoping he'll go away, or that some other male will come and rescue me. And that is *SO* not me, *SO* not the me I want to be.... but somehow in that contect, that was the way I behaved. I don't know how to defend myself in that sort of situation *without* becoming violent... and I'm not so sure how appropriate *that* would have been.

So, I am deconstructing all of it, now.

Sunday was quieter... I worked from 10-noon, and was supposed to go and get Jessi and Hannah, but Mom ended up doing that, so I sat at home and cramped. Later, Jim and I went out and got my groceries, and went to Target.

Still a lot of inner analysis to do here.... and I'm not sure where I will land on the whole "Jose" thing. But I know that it will probably *not* be the last time it happens in my lifetime, and I need to figure out what I'm gonna do in the next encounter of that type.

And I still hear the echo of my father's voice in my head, saying I got what I deserved for going there (like I got what I deserved for going to a fraternity house, where I was drugged and raped, and they took pictures of me, eh, Dad? Yes I remember that comment well; it's burned into my brain, Dad, and I never can seem to forget it.)

Sorry, TMI, probably. I guess I've got a ways further in some things to go. Deconstruction helps.

More later.