September 29th, 2000

Fortitude in Snow

Basking In The Warmth

Well, where shall I start? Shall I begin by saying that I am enjoying my new boss, and my new job, even though it's slow and a tad dull just now? Or shall I start by telling of the nice lunch I had today with an extremely interesting, attractive male, one with whom I hope to develop a good friendship, and perhaps something more?

Or shall I just start by giving the setting for the day: lazy, delicious, warm sunlight trickling through trees that have just begun to to realize that it actually *is* Autumn. I could smell the turning of the leaves in the air, as well as my own perfume, as I baked in the warmth this afternoon... and yes, I had lunch outdoors today. The lure of playing hookey was indeed strong. Damn, I wish I could have moved my office (desk and all) outside, just for the afternoon. Normally, I love Michigan's lack of direct sunlight, as I'm overly sensitive to the brightness from the great yellow orb. I don't usually bask in its warmth as much as my feline-ish friends do (Misha and ZC, I know you'd have loved it here in Michigan this afternoon). But today has found me wanting a small bit of sunbeam for myself, and a nice little corner in which to enjoy it, with a nap. I'd have loved just sitting outside and dreaming for a while, feeling the warm sun on my face and shoulders.

Hmmm.... let's see... the new job is okay, and the new boss is good.... and I think he likes my work, so we'll see. The company itself has the usual political jungle, and is fraught with its share of bureaucratic crap. And, as usual for a secretarial position, I often find myself playing peacemaker, comedianne, or diplomat to suit the audience. Par for the course. But it's not bad; backbiting and sniping are less than they were at the State, even if the people are a wee bit grumpy sometimes.

As for lunch with this male.... yes, it was nice. *Very* nice in its simplicity. Even if he was having a bad day, it was good to share lunch and talk, and see him smile a little. I can only hope that he enjoyed the attention too. :-)

I know that the best thing that builds a strong friendship is time; and those who know me also know that patience is not usually one of my virtues. However, as ZC can attest, I can tough it out, and be patient for the time necessary for someone to *finally* come to the realization that I am not out to get them, nor do I wish them harm, and that I am *not* attacking or judging them. I am sure ZC remembers how tempestuously things started out between us (*my* luck to try starting a friendship with him just weeks after my breakup of a seven-year relationship. Poor ZC got the emotional backlash). I had some redeeming to do for my acid tongue, and I did it, and waited.... learning an important lesson and gaining a close friend in the process.

Now this male, whose lunch company I enjoyed today, *does* have a SO, and I DO NOT want to jeopardize that relationship with any of my behavior. I find myself wanting to be in his company, but wanting is often a common occurrence with me, so adapting my behavior to suit the situation is not a problem (it's typical of the love and caring I bear for many people).

Strange things is, I keep getting a strong vibe (gut feeling?) that this person will soon become someone with whom I am close. And the feeling is much the same as the one I had when I first hung out with ZC. With Idat, it was easier, because I had an introduction and time spent talking with her on Hell (bbs). And I have a feeling ZC talked me up a lot... my very own personal PR department. :-) And with Misha, it was different too -- Misha and I just clicked immediately. But that could be just because she's a Misha.... and she's *shiny*! :-)

I guess I need the practice in patience. I DO NOT want to appear pushy, and let's face it, this *is* work. Nevertheless, I still can't help wanting to give him a hug when things aren't going right (even though this is probably not a "huggy company"). I wish a hug could be e-mailed!

I know the best way to show someone you're harmless is to let them figure it out for themselves. And the best way to demonstrate that you can be a good friend is to just *be* one. I'm a big advocate of allowing my actions speak loudest, as words are so often only just that.

And yes, I remember, not too long ago, that *my* walls were high, my fear of others, great; and I didn't let *anyone* in. It took time, patience, love and trust from friends to allow me to begin to open up, and to speak from the core of who I really am. Mostly, it took time. So, maybe this is another lesson that is meant for me.

I will do what I can, when I can, and hope for the best. What will happen, will happen. And I'll enjoy the effort, and the ride. :-)

More later.