January 5th, 2001

Fortitude in Snow

Just leave me alone! (An entry in which the author runs screaming from the room)

Do you ever have days when you’d rather just give up? I mean just toss the whole lot, ditch *everything* and start over, completely from scratch? As though starting from nothing would be better than the mess in front of you?

Well, I’m having one of those days today. Actually, it started last night, in a fight with someone I DO NOT want to fight with (I’m not his wife, fer chrissakes). It culminated with spite-filled words being hurled from either side, and me driving off in a snit, only to collapse in tears in a parking lot a few minutes later. And I spent the rest of the evening at home, lying on my couch in the dark, soaking the blanket with tears and cursing my fate.

Today hasn’t started much better, even if I do have an interview (sort of) later. My dyslexia kicked in just as my boss said something important to me, and I had to ask again, and felt like an idiot. My body isn’t that tired, but my soul sure is. And no one seems to be able to adhere to a schedule I took pains to compile, so what was the use of my doing it in the first place? I know that sounds petty and childish, but I’m feeling petty and childish just now, so I guess it fits.

I am TIRED of taking care of other people; I want to be taken care of, for a change. I am sick to death of coddling and otherwise being a nanny for other people’s emotions; I want someone to care for, and about, *me* for a while. I am tired of always coming in last, and always being the bigger person. I want to be coddled, and have special things done for me. I’ve done it enough for others; it’s MY turn now.

And I don’t want to feel this hurt and despair; I want to be able to believe in people as something more than mindless objects that end up using you for what they can, and then throw you away afterward. And most of all, I don’t want to become like that.

Oh…and I haven’t had any breakfast this morning, so I’m sure that improves my mood considerably.

No, really.

I think that going to Clarkston this weekend may be a mistake; I need to do some taking care of myself, and some self-cossetting. And I don’t know that it would happen there. Being alone may not solve the problem either, but perhaps then I will finally learn to take care of myself. I don't know.

And, I think this all may have been precipitated by an argument I had with Jim on Wednesday night, in which I asked for my apartment keys back, after he had used a plastic bowl of mine in the oven (then insisted that it wouldn’t melt, as he’d used it in the oven twice before). And my first thought was, what kind of bonehead puts a plastic bowl in an oven inthe first place?

Yeah, I know it sounds stupid. I think it was. But the long and short of it was that I said if I could not trust him with a plastic bowl (which he insisted that he would use again in the oven), then how could I trust him with my other things? So, he hasn’t called me, and I haven’t called him. And it’s funny; the past two mornings, I have gotten up just fine on my own, without his calling me to wake me. Fancy that.

And I have kind of an “oh well” attitude about the whole thing, because I am sick of his bullshit. I know that underneath, somewhere I am hurting about this, just like this fight with the person last night hurts, but I’m trying to just function on the outside. Neither of the encounters were “healthy” ones (not mentally healthy by any stretch of the imagination). I can only hope they cleared the air, although I think last night’s may have only been bad.

I just hurt; I am raw and aching inside. I feel deserted and betrayed, and I’m not so sure it isn’t me who has done the deserting and betraying. I think I need time to sort things out. I don’t know if time alone will help or not.

I will decide later if I’m going tomorrow or not. For now, I’m just going to do what needs to be done here (which is never much).

More later.
Brown-eyed Stare

reminders from a Loved One much too far away.....

Okay.... so I all too often forget. I know. All I needed to do was go and visit a site I read frequently, and I am instantly reminded of what I need to know. Such small things, words, and yet so powerful are they.

"Don't wait for it," I said. "Create a world, your world. Alone. Stand alone. Create. And then the love will come to you, then it comes to you. It was only when I wrote my first book that the world I wanted to live in opened to me." —Anaïs Nin

"I'm not so special, I've come back from hell to realize that nothing matters ever unless I let it" --Sister Soleil

I don't always get what I want, but I *do* get what I need.

(Thank you, Kris. I love you, dear.)