March 11th, 2001

Brown-eyed Stare

Yes, I am still breathing...

Hello there!

I'll bet you thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth, right? Well, I haven't... not quite... at least not just yet.

I have started yet another job (yes, another), and have begun another relationship (??) of sorts... if you want to call it that. He's cute and reasonably sane, warm and funny and wonderful.... but he thinks he's not. *And* he's not looking for a serious relationship right now. (Okay, stop me if you've heard *THIS* one before). *sigh* Oh well....at least I saw the hole coming this time. Sort of. And now that I'm in it, I know why I'm here. Mostly. It's not pleasant, but it *is* clear how I got here, and who put me here. :-P

I've been rather silent here, of late, as I haven't had much access to the Net, and have been sorting out some major internal things. Spring cleaning for the head is what it amounts to; I've been doing some *REAL* questioning of what I take for granted as "given" in my life, and just exactly how I make my decisions (or : who do I let make decisions for me?). Some big heavy things, nothing light or trivial, and I've not even had enough courage yet to dump it to paper, let alone unleash it as a stream of electrons in this arena. I will, at a later date. But for now, it's all stewing in my tight little head, mixing and percolating even when I sleep (okay... *especially* when I sleep).

*Insert rolled eyes look here*

Can I just say, right now, that I am *SICK TO DEATH* of falling in love with people, only to have them NOT love me back?? Hell, yes!! I am so tired of this, and am not sure what the remedy is, as I tend to decide to love a lot of people. Nevertheless, I HATE finding that I am attracted to someone, and even finding that they are attracted to me, only to find out later that they aren't interested in a relationship right now, thank you. ARRGGHH!!! And I know I need to be patient, but I'm sick to death of loving others, without finding SOMEONE to love me back. There's got to be balance here somewhere here, right?? Or am I just too damn picky? I don't know.

*sigh* I have a big heart, and I don't limit my love to only a tiny number.... I *do* limit my trust of my deepest self to a tiny number of people, but that used to be a zero, so I guess that's growth. And I'm beginning to be able to look back and see my own patterns, so I think that's growth, too... We shall see... in the meantime, I'm going to continue investing a good portion of love in *me* (or at least trying to, without feeling too much like a selfish schmuck -- which is, indeed, a difficult and tiring task).

That's my little bit on my recent mental rumblings for now.... of course there will be more later. Now, I'm going to sit down and compose a letter to a dear old friend who recently wrote me after many years of silence between us. I want to send this snail mail, so I can only hope that I can find his address. Ciao for now.