May 6th, 2001

Brown-eyed Stare

Back from a breakdown....

Sometimes I have to face the fire....

....and sometimes I just have to jump in.

This weekend (yesterday, in fact), I had a breakdown, of sorts. A friend came over, and helped me to stop crying, and I knew that if I needed refuge elsewhere, that I could go and stay with my Mom, and this was good. I will write more about this later, but for now suffice it to say that I have been last on my own list for a long time, and everything came to a head last night, when I had finally had enough of not being good enough for *anyone*.

So, I lost it.

I'm okay now, although feeling a little fragile.... and being thankful for good friends who care...and I am going to continue trying to care for myself first. And to not let what others think of me (even those people I care about most) affect how *I* feel about me. With Friday having been a horrid day, coupled with Saturday, and my poor coping decisions Saturday night, it really was a mess.

But, it was honest, and let something out that *needed* to get out. I am motivated way too much by guilt, and it's something I need to work on.

More later; must return the laptop now, and go be brave.
(And yes, I will write about this again later, and no, I'm *not* going to hurt myself. I'm safe, and am trying to take better care of myself. Thank you to all who care; your thoughts mean worlds to me.)

Until later, then.