November 8th, 2001

Fortitude in Snow

And now for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT....

And now: The Larch. (mild applause)

Okay, so it was a much better joke when Monty Python did it. At least I didn't introduce it as "lupines." :-) And I could you know, being a bit lupine, myself. *snark*

Yes, the thing that's completely different for me this evening is *posting here*. And yes I know I've been horribly lax as of late (okay, so as of the last several years.... but who's counting...??)

The last entry was exceptionally sad, I know. And I am still grieving the loss of a new friend. But I have learned still more about myself in the process. See, I think that part of the reason why Mike P's death hit me so hard was that I'd only just gotten to know him, and then the opportunity for any further friendship was suddenly wrenched from me. And I feel those losses all too keenly, being a child of perpetual uprootedness (9 schools in 12 years as a kid). I felt sorely deprived of what would have probably been a wonderful friend.

And I feel the same thing when I see others leaving my life, because in my experience, (except in the case of those in Seattle, bless their sweet Left-coast souls), out-of-sight has come to mean out-of-mind.

Which generally means that if you are leaving my life, then I won't be seeing you anymore. So long; bye-bye. End of story. And I am SO DAMNED TIRED of finding friends that I have come to love (and who appear to love me), only to have them leave. IT HURTS TOO DAMN MUCH. And unfortunately for me, I am not capable of just not caring... it's not in my genetic makeup.

So, I fuss and I whine when someone says they are going to leave, just as I have for quite a while now with a friend at Drugs-R-Us (PrettyBlueEyes). Yes, he's cute, and yes, I find him attractive (duh?), but there are two *BIG* boundaries that I have known about since he got here that I fully respect (they mesh well with two personal rules I have had for quite some time now: #1 - DON'T get involved with people you work with/share a house with; #2 - DON'T wreck families; respect others' bonds). So, he has become a good friend. 'Nuff said.

And this gentleman makes a *fine* friend, trustworthy, quick-witted and smart as hell (three of my *must haves* in a friend), so I've had nary a problem with it. But damn it, I am really *TIRED* of finding people that make good friends, only to have them leave my life!

But he's been saying for some time now that he is not happy where he is. And yes, I've said that he ought to go where he is happy. And yes, I *do* want him to be happy; watching him be miserable is not only torture for me; it makes him grumpy to be around (and I really don't think it's in his nature to be grumpy). I know he'd be happier closer to home, but I'm greedy and am therefore disappointed to see him go, even as I cheer as I see that he's going after what makes him *happy*.

So, I guess this is just another bitch session where I whine and moan about how the world doesn't wag the way *I* want it to. Yes, I know. Poor me. I shall now go and cry *someone* a river. No, really. I will. HONEST.

*rolls eyes*

Ok, I'm sorry.... I know this must be petulant whining on my part, but could I *please* learn how to make friends with people who *don't* leave? Sheesh! I never even got to have a best friend for more than a year or two, as a kid, before it was time for me to go to another school, or move to another town! Another persona, another location, another reality; and once again, I'd have to start over. I'm just SO DAMN TIRED OF IT; it hurts too much to see another friend step out of my life.

And I know that the main reason that my Seattle loved ones have NOT left the scene is because *they* work to keep up with me, as much as I work to keep up with them. It is a woefully small price to pay for me to purchase a ticket cross-country..... to me it seems like mountains of gold for someone to remember me, and to want to see me when I come to visit, and to still be there, time after time, jokingly fighting about who *gets* to have me That means more to me than any amount of gold or fame -- to be loved and to not be forgotten.

Not that I'm not a good person, or that I don't deserve to be remembered. I know I do.... but I also know that people have other lives, and that when I leave, the space that I occupied in their lives closes over, like a hole in water closes over, leaving nothing but an even surface behind, no trace of what was there before.

And people in Seattle do go on with their lives. But the thing that keeps me fresh in their minds is that I am a *part of their community* on-line; the magic of that community is that it exists on-line and in real life. I know that a hug in asterisks on-line from Mike is backed up with a wonderful bear-hug from a sweet, witty man from Microsquish in Seattle (who blushes if a guy kisses him). And I know that a kiss on the cheek from my favorite Vanilla Girl, Meg (Megatron!) is backed with a real, honest-to-goodness one from her in real life (probaly complete with a huge hug, and lipstick marks on my cheek, as well as a hug and a kiss from her bf John). These are wonderful people, and they are REAL, and to them, I am not just some chick that lives in Michigan. I am Deb, or Loba, or Cutie, or SnackeyCakes (funny how nicknames make you giggle, even when you're typing them). I am *real* to them, and they are *real* to me, and they've taught me to disbelieve my prior experiences, and to *TRUST* what I see with my heart. Thank goodness for that.

See, I knew from past experience that you CANNOT go back again to a place you once called home. It doesn't work; it just hurts. In 10th grade, I tried it; I moved away from my home in MI to SC for about 6 months, then back to the same high school for 11th grade.

And it was AWFUL. People's lives go on, and your old friends suddenly aren't your friends -- they don't even know you anymore. They have new best friends and new lives, and the place you occupied with them has completely grown over with someone new. You can't go back; I tried. It's like being a non-person, with no-one, and nothing left. No place to go. And all it did was *HURT*.

So, when I see someone leaving my life, I fret and I whine, because from *my* point of view (mostly), that means that *that* friendship is done. Kaput. Over. That person is preparing to just walk out of my life -- for what looks like FOREVER.

AND THAT HURTS.

The *only* people who have proven this wrong have been my Seattle friends, through the love and strength and constant presence in their electronic community. I share their lives because I am a part of their community, on line and in person, and because they make room in their lives for me. And even though I'm not always able to be there, they know I'll be in when I can, and they love me and support me anyway. And I treasure it more than gold.

See... I'm not wigging out *just* for the sake of wigging out (although I *could*, and call it experiential learning for my primary job... ok, yes, that *is* a bad joke). I am wigging out for the same reason that I wigged out when Mike P. died. I wigged out after Mike P's funeral because I'd just only gotten to know him a little bit, and he seemed like a person who could be a good friend. And then *poof* he was gone. Forever.

And I AM SO DAMN SICK OF LOSING PEOPLE I HAVE GROWN TO LIKE. Or love. And yes, damn it, I *do* love my friends. *VERY MUCH*. (And those of you who know me, understand that. Or at least I *hope* you do.)

So, perhaps that explains things, if only a little. (And I hope I haven't been TOO redundant.) And I think it explains things a bit, about me, eh? Yes, I think so. Because sometimes I react to things a *bit* out of proportion for the situation, and stopping to re-hash things tells me *where* the intensity is coming from. In this case, it's from this strange thing called my life, and all the varied experiences that add up to it.

That, and I'm just an intense person; I *very rarely* do things halfway. And maybe that's a *good* thing.

*grins*

G'night all.
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