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Watching the dark clouds come in.... - Mental Feng Shui
....revising what (& who) will fit in the room....
Watching the dark clouds come in....
*whimpers, sitting small in the corner*

Am having a Monday, full-force. My day started off getting up late after getting Far Too Little sleep (and definitely not enough). Am still coughing a LOT, and it keeps me up, as now does the codeine syrup that does quiet the seal-like barking. (I just want to breathe deeply again, without doubling over in a bronchial and diaphragm spasm.... PLEASE?) And I'm tired of changing my clothes several times a day, because of said coughing (don't ask).

I get to work, and one of my first calls is a woman who ordered her usual mocha this morning, and got a large mouthful of said liquid and glass shards. Ye Gods And Little Fishes! Owowowowow!!! And EW! Most of the rest of my callers today were decent folk, but a few were grubbing whiners who were pissed that I don't defacate their narcotics NOW for them, damnit. (I'm sorry; I have precious little patience for people who perpetually try and get their narc prescriptions early, and whine EACH time that their life is falling apart RIGHT NOW, and therefore I should force the doc to write their med Rx RIGHT NOW.) I'm just a Trained Monkey, but they expect me to shit gold.

Mom's call yesterday hurt like Hell.... I can tell she's pretty ripped up over Gram, despite the fact that she's not in pain any longer. And I'm slightly pissed at myself for not 1) feeling more about it, and 2) being upset that I'm not feeling any more. Yes, I miss her. Yes I am rather sad that I will not see her again this side of the Veil. Yes, I wish I could be back in MI right now, but sheist.... the Family has decided that there will be no funeral, and that Gram's getting cremated, so there's nothing really for me to go home to, other than being there for my Mom, and I really can't do that well, anyway. So, not a lot I can do. And I have yet to cry about this; this does not bode well for me -- the crazy lady who cries at the drop of a hat.

And yes, I have still not heard about the tests they ran for me last week. I definitely don't want my cancer to be back, and would LOVE to hear that the tests confirm that it really *is* gone.... but it's painful to even think about, so I try to forget it for now. Holly &/or Heidi will call me when they know something; I know they will. Meanwhile, I have to work hard on making sure that my entire body is not one large knot of tight muscles -- that's *my* job right now.

Jim is back in MI, and while his Mom has perked back up with him being back (and I am heartily glad for that), we know that she's not gonna pursue another round of chemo (the last one badly burnt her feet, and she couldn't walk), and I am only all too familiar with what happens after that. It's the same way that Sunny went; the same way Woof went; the same way Charlotte and Grampa and Tunta and Grandma and Ransom went. The cancer comes back, and it obliterates what it touches. And the one you love.... is GONE. It leaves hollow husks of bodies, and rot and confusion, and pain. It steals from us time, and the ones we love.

I very rarely use the word hate. But here is where I will: I really,REALLY HATE cancer. I hate how it's taken people from my life, and LIFE from my life. I hate that it's made my body that much more difficult to live in, and given me a constant subcurrent of fear that seems to follow me always. I hate that the fear of it sometimes overwhelms me. And I hate that the deep sadness of all that it's taken sometimes threatens to swallow me whole. And I HATE that it hurts the people I love.

It makes me so angry, and I want to rage, and scream, and throw things, and cry. But no matter how long or how much I do that -- how much energy I pour into that emotional storm -- it never matters; it's like raging into an oncoming thunderstorm, or trying to hold back the waves. It's useless, and I feel useless with it. I feel overwhelmed by these feelings, and at the same time, I feel so utterly defeated at the sheer absurdity of it -- "...sound and fury, signifying nothing..."

As for me, and right now: I think I've pushed things too far, and need to cocoon myself. I really need to get 'right with my own head' again. Also, I need to pursue whatever it is that will help me stop coughing, and rest when I can, and try to maintain some regular blood sugar as well. I feel like I've split my seams, and can only hope that my behavior is not entirely obnoxious or annoying to those around me.
And now, perhaps all the clamoring voices will be quiet for a little while, and the noise will go away, so I can sleep....

*drops to her knees, palms together in front of her, and kneels, placing her forehead on the floor and hands turned palms up*

I surrender.

The State of the Cranium is: : exhausted exhausted

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lisakit From: lisakit Date: December 9th, 2008 05:20 am (UTC) (This Entry)
How 'bout I pick you up after work Wednesday and we'll go up to Alki beach? Sounds like you could use some wave therapy.

Unfortunately tomorrow is out, I'll likely have another long day like today.
cindygerb From: cindygerb Date: December 9th, 2008 05:21 am (UTC) (This Entry)
Sending love
paka From: paka Date: December 9th, 2008 05:26 am (UTC) (This Entry)
I am really sorry it's been this bad lately. What, if anything, can I do to help out?
singingnettle From: singingnettle Date: December 9th, 2008 06:41 am (UTC) (This Entry)
Ah dear. I wish for you that everything will work out all right and that you'll be healthy.
serenfire From: serenfire Date: December 9th, 2008 08:09 am (UTC) (This Entry)
Oh dear...!
I just got over (ohsogradually, hourbyhour) bronchitis and understand the agony, just wishing to be *able* to breathe deep enough and slow enough to work through the pain, but then the coughing comes again...

I wish you well, and share your pain, and hope all goes better soon for you!
aladriana From: aladriana Date: December 9th, 2008 10:16 am (UTC) (This Entry)

I don't have the right words. I'm seeing death for many of my friends to deal with (not their own), and I can't make it better.

I do think that it is healthy to hate Cancer. And to hate what it's done. I hate FMS. I hate arthritis. I hate anxiety. For what they are, and what they do. I would worry if you didn't hate it, I think.

I haven't been sleeping either. Maybe four hours a day, and not until early morning hours.

I guess all can do, is commiserate. That, I do well. Call anytime, if you just want to talk.
klicrai From: klicrai Date: December 9th, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC) (This Entry)
I join my hate with yours. Cancer certainly deserves it. My your cocoon be warm, comforting, and above all healing. Be gentle with yourself, you're going to feel what you feel. I felt numb toward my grandmother's death for several months even though I loved her very much. Sometimes it just takes awhile for the pieces to fall into place.

*hugs and comfort*
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