Deb (loba) wrote,

Back again, to make a new start?

Hello LiveJournal, it's been quite a long time.

I'm dictating this from my smartphone, but will also be writing again sometime soon.

I've had a lot going on in the past year and a half to two years, and I find that I really need to be writing again. I say 'need,' because I need to write, I'm finding, like I need to breathe. Or like I need to see stars, and trees, and living, blooming things.

I need to write, in the same way that I need to pet my cat and feel his soft fur, hear his purrs, and feel the love that emanates from me to him, and from him to me.

A quick update on me: I lost my job in November 2013, and decided not long after to go back to school. I did very well in the pharmacy technician program, and graduated this past December. But due to a very low level of finances, losing my car, and some battles with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, I've been having a really hard time. I feel like a hermit who hardly leaves her house, and who misses her friends and loved ones dearly, but most days lacks the courage to venture much further than the front door.

My counselor agreed with me, that I need to be writing again, so I'm going to put some things here, & I will probably reopen VeritasFeminae, for things I don't feel entirely safe putting here. If anyone wants access to that journal, please message me here, or send an email to loba at livejournal dot com. And, depending on who you are, and if I know you, I may grant access.

A short blurb about today: I observed some behaviors in myself that I want to change, & I think I really saw them clearly for the first time. I watched how interactions with my blood family cause my emotions to bounce around like a rabid ping pong ball. I watch how hard I tried to avoid the emotional pain, and I felt how much there was of it, like a broad, deep pool.

It reminded me so much of when I was younger, as a child, when I had no outlet for it, and had no idea what to do with it. Overcome in a tidal wave of negative emotion, I simply thought it was all me, and that I was bad. I also observed, from a distance, how my parents still interact with each other much the same way they did when I was a child.

Today, I felt myself sliding back into that old role of being an emotional sponge, absorbing of all the negative emotions they threw and spat at each other. I didn't know where I stopped and where they began, so I felt all the negative emotions as though they were being done to me. As a child, that's incorrect, but understandable. Even so, as an adult, I can see clearly now that I am NOT them, and no matter how hardwired my lizard brain is in the emotional sponge role, it is not me. they are not me. And their pain is not who I am.

I have more writing that I've done on this issue, but that's for another place, and another time. Now is the time for sleep, and whatever dreams may come. As for writing, I will be out and about tomorrow, and will try to do more then.

I hope all of you are doing well, & I send hugs out to you. Ian says hello, and meow and purr to all of you. :-)

Good night, all.
Tags: growth, revelations

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