What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been....

*waves*  Yes, it's really me.  I am back, at least for a while.  :-)

So, I've been writing a bit over at Four Dot Ellipsis (if you want the url, let me know), but other than that, not much.  When I started this journal, just over 18 years ago, I never thought I would be where I am now, doing what I am doing now, and living the life I am living now.  I do know my self a bit better, and the grey in my hair has gotten more dense (and the color a bit more sparse), but I am still me.

What am I doing now?  Well, I teach at 'Better Living Through Chemistry.edu" — so to speak.  And I really, REALLY LOVE what I do.  It's hard some days, and I definitely bit off more than I could chew at the very beginning, but I think things are going pretty well, and I like where my life is going. Not sure who I'm quoting in saying this, but I have the high privilege and honor of working long, hard hours at something I truly love. :-) I am proud of the work I do, and of how well my students are doing (regulars as well as those I tutor).  I take pride in the fact that, of the students that have completed the program, including internship and national test, each one has passed the national test, and each has also been offered a position during internship.  As my Dad would say, "Not too shabby."  :-)

I do miss my Dad a lot lately.... especially when I want to compare notes on how to teach adults (as, just after his Masters degree, Dad taught classes at a local community college).  Sometimes I so want to call him and speak Polish, and hear him respond back — only to remember that he's gone.  That's when the ache is deep, and I find myself hashing over regrets of not going and taking care of him sooner.  But he hid the worst parts of his illness well, and even my sister (who spent a good deal of time helping him out) did not foresee the ending until just before I arrived (and he died 2 days later).  It's been just over 3 years, and I still cry. 

We grieve, and we live (as best we can).  And life moves on.

Jim and I are still on good terms, but we won't ever be married.  And, although I still have others that I love, I am re-examining what (and who) I want in life.  And poly or not, no matter how many loves I have (or have had),  I still want a partner with whom I can move through life, side by side. And although what I have with Jim is a wonderful, loving friendship, (deep and vast, built out of the tumult and joys of nearly 27 years), he does not want that partnership (once again, he's backed away). It grieves me, but I won't keep banging my head on it.  The flip-flopping has to end, because I truly want something different.  And if nothing changes, nothing changes.  

And it's funny, how I can fling myself up in the air, and out into space (via transcontinental flight), and land in another country, and adventure out on my own, without fear.... knowing that I trust myself, and I trust the Universe, and I know I will be okay.  But.... ask me to start again, on a new relationship??  I'll be over here, hiding under my desk. 

If I'm honest, I have to say that it scares the shit out of me — to feel so vulnerable and risk rejection again, after becoming so close with someone.  Taking that leap into the unknown (especially investing time and effort, and my heart into something and someone unknown).  How many times can I have others break my heart before there is nothing left?  It's clear I need to learn how to choose wisely (and stop making the same mistake).  I know where the path with Jim leads from looking back and seeing what the experience has been (repeated patterns).  And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results each time. I know where that path leads; I've walked it many times before (and therein lies madness).    

And....where does this takes me ....who knows?  For now, I'm ok with where I am, in a good, safe space, in a house of warmth and trees and light, .....looking forward to the future, and growing from there.  

I'd wanted to move north (out of the smog south of town) for a long while now.  And, this coming weekend, I am moving into a place that feels warm, accepting and growth-promoting. It is small and cozy, but already partly-filled with books and music.  And the air there is *clear* and fresh, also not too far from a lake (*grin*) and less than a block to a small park. :-)  But the best part:  it is not only north of town, and near green spaces (with lots of trees in the backyard!!),  but is only 1 bus ride away from work. ONE!!! Such luxury; I will be spoiled. :-)  

And yes, I wish I did still drive (grocery shopping is so much easier than doing it on a bus), but with the dizzy spells from 2016 and 2017 (and a few this year), I have promised several people that I won't pursue a driver license again until after 6 months with NO dizzy spells.  Patience is hard.  (One step at a time, Deb, one step at a time.)

The place I'm moving into is small, but it already *feels* like home, and my new housemate (from whom I'll be renting) is interesting and smart, and warm, as well.  I really like this person (kindred spirit? perhaps, although strange to see so soon...), and I'm looking forward to building a friendship with them.  It's another facet of this move that feels warm, and true, and *right*.

Additionally, I am topographically closer to Jasper, who has said they will be available to take me places (like groceries, etc).  I'll still keep my bus pass current, and use that as main transportation.  And.... the person I'm moving in with has a dog!!! :-)  Since Ian went back to MI this past Christmas to live with his 'father,' I find that I have been very 'pet-lonely'.... and I miss having my feline companion to hang out with. (Without constant kitty-pets, scritches, and nuzzles, I think I've become touch-starved).

On other fronts, I am learning how to be a better teacher, and still practicing on how to be a better human being (chop wood, carry water).  I am doing my best to steer clear of Twitter and Facebook, so that the political crazies don't overwhelm my brain.  And I need to be reading more, and maybe doing more hikes, as my arthritis only gets worse if/when I let my brain play the tyrant, and forget to 'move' my meat suit.  

More later, I need to finish grading homework, and head home.  But this account's paid for the next 12 months, so I will be back, and writing. I know I need to do this... for such a long time, writing was my lifeline.  And I think it's time to come back.


Pax/Love & **hugs** to all,

Deb/Loba


AMENDED 9/24/18:

So, yes.... I am on my own again (trodding familiar but oft lonely ground).  But, if I continue to speak my intentions to the Universe, and move in that direction, if a mate is what I truly want (as I say it is), I*will* find someone.  Hopefully they are a kind, smart, reasonably (?) sane person, with a sexy brain and a good sense of humor. Oh, and lovely eyes. ;-D  I find that  when I ask my heart what it *really wants* I get the answer of  'someone who will walk by my side as an equal, loving and caring; growing with me, not enabling, but supportive, and worthy of my trust, as I will show that I am worthy of theirs.'   

Herein lies the rub:

I've told a new friend that I trust his process, and that things will happen for him when he is ready.  But cura te ipsum, Deb?   Can I turn around and look myself in the eye, and trust my *own* process..... especially in the stark vulnerability of this?  As scary as it is, I need to do exactly that.  And perhaps staring that fear the face — looking at it carefully, parsing it out, and naming it for what it *really* is —  is a good first step.  (Chop wood, carry water, Deb.) So, here I am, back at Step 1, re-learning how to trust my *own* process, and to 'be here now' (and like Rilke said, to love the questions).  And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.... *wrygrin*

But, I am happy where I am. It is a place of light and joy, and it feels safe.  And that is such a treasure, in and of itself.  I think that this will be a place of large amounts of growth for me. *happysigh*

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