And now the second half of my afternoon post. This has to do with an event that really happened, just as I told it to Idat, and just as I'm telling it to you now. It was a defining moment for me. Thanks, Vwad.
Purgatory QuickX to Idat
It's strange... one of my good friends, Vwadek, taught me something important about trust, a few years ago. We were all sitting around a table out at The Farm (Seekers & Sought).... drinking wine, and hanging out....talking history, and just... talking the way our group was apt to do.... Vwad was a Humanities professor who held office hours at the bar, and we'd usually end up back at the Farm, continuing the conversations we'd begun earlier.
We'd listen to jazz out in the studio, and talk about *everything*. It was great. And I remember being *very* deep in thought.... and the conversation was swirling around us.... Vwadek was asking me about when I'd been raped, and what'd happened.... and I'd said it was hard to trust after that. I fell silent, I guess, lost in my own thoughts and rememberings.... and I recall looking up at Vwadek, who was staring at me, not unkindly but intensely. I just met his gaze, and held it for a while.
The conversation continued uninterrupted around us, and after awhile, we broke the gaze. Not long after, I found myself admiring an old sword he had hanging on the wall behind him. He turned, leaned over, took the sword off its hanging pegs, and reversed it and handed it (properly) to me, hilt-first. Looking closely at it, I became mesmerized with the designs on the hilt. I examined them in detail as they were in my hand, while Vwad still held the tip of the sword. It was a minute or two before I realized *where* the tip was, and how he was holding it.
He'd placed the tip of this still-sharp sword in the small hollow at the base of his throat, letting it rest there, while my hands held the hilt.
So, when I looked up, my eyes followed the sword down to the point, which was balanced there in the hollow of his throat. My gaze met his, and found him looking directly at me, with the same intensity as before. It was as if I could hear him saying "I trust *you* with my life.... you can trust me." And with those vivid-blue piercing eyes staring at me, not harshly, but with an odd luminous intensity, the same as before. I suddenly felt a little scared at the immense power I'd just been granted, and I found myself withdrawing the sword, and placing it on the floor beside me.
It wasn't my lack of trust in *him* that I feared, it was my lack of trust in *me*.... that, and the enormity of the power he'd gifted to me, in that instant. It was as if he'd said "You could run me through right now; I trust that you won’t. I put my life in your hands; I trust you completely." And the enormity of that floored me.
Ever since then, it's been a little easier for me to trust, but I *do* need practice.
*sigh* He's a good friend, and I miss him.